Lady Gaga and I go shopping

the Popular songstress in her offal outfit

For Goodness sake Kurt, give me back my wallet.

Because I was planning on using it to pay for the miscellany of goods we’ve amassed in this trolley. Unless of course you’re planning on paying.

Yeah I thought not.

That’s hardly makes us even, last time we only needed a pack of bogroll and some chocolate Hobnobs. Not really enough to put a dent in the balance of a movie star is it? Whereas I’ve got to pay for a weeks worth of shopping.

You say that but I’m not convinced we need all of this. Bread, sure. Eggs, fine. Hell I’m even okay with the Royal Wedding collectors toast rack but Hamster food?...  Battlefield Earth on DVD?... tampons?!

NO Kurt you can’t use them for that, the bleeding stops on its own if you tilt your head back and pinch at the bridge.

and no you’re not getting a hamster, it’ll only die after a week and you’ll mope around the house and use it as an excuse not to make any movies that year.

Look, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to be that harsh. Tell you what, how about we get some pick and mix? I’ll let you choose?

Right well, you do that and I’ll finish the rest of the list.

Kurt.

Wallet.

Thankyou.

…he really needs to get a job. Right while he’s not looking lets offload some of this crap… *sigh* I don’t have time to put this back on the appropriate aisles… Supermarket Gods forgive me for what I’m about to do.

Argh… Iwasn’thidingtamponsbehindthebakedbeans! Wait, hold on. You don’t work here… lady Gaga! Sorry I didn’t realise it was you. I didn’t recognise you in your moleskin leotard.

Really?  Oh my mistake…I thought it was mole.

No I didn’t realise George Clooney had that much back hair.

So…er how you doing?

Good good. I’m doing alright thanks. Just doing the weeks shopping and avoiding Kurt Russell.

Yeah he’s in a bad mood again cuz I won’t let him get a hamster.

That’s exactly what I said. And who’s going to be the one picking up the pieces eh? Me. So what are you doing all the way out here anyway? I thought you were never going to leave Ipswich ever again. Let the tours come to you.

Well I didn’t think it would work to be honest. So why come here? Do they not have Tesco’s in Ipswich?

Shouldn’t you be looking in London or Paris or Milan for that?

Well I suppose it is different.

I always supposed they were made by top couture designers.

And the meat dress?

Local butcher obviously. So what are you thinking of today?

Erm… yeah that’s interesting but how would you get it to attach to your body and stay on?

You’ve not thought this through have you.

And if you get wet it’ll just dissolve and you’ll be standing in the world’s biggest Gaga Latte.

No I don’t suppose the chances of it raining milk are very high but its still not a great idea. Hey You could use teabags.

Would that be a problem? Do you regularly get accused of that?

I don’t know what that is?

No seriously. I’ve never heard of teabagging.

Uh-huh

What?

Just dangling?

Eugh! That’s disgusting!

How could anyone get any pleasure out of that?!

NO! That was a rhetorical question. So… anyway what could you use instead?

That could work. I’d go with Edam myself. We could just cover you in it and then stick you under the grill and it would kind of melt onto you. Or we could use that stuff they put in burgers. Plastic cheese.

Yeah. Or maybe mozzarella

Or Gorganzola.

Yeah. Or maybe even cottage cheese. That could work. It’s kind of malleable as cheeses go. Mmm cottage cheese.

Accused of what?

I’ve not heard of that term either.

Yeah two men..

Toilets?

Oh so that’s what George Michael was talking about. How do you know so much about all these terms?

Well I'd never heard of them so they can’t be that common.

I’m not accusing you of anything. I mean what could I possible accuse you… oh.

No nothing.

Nope absolutely nothing…

Blusing?  me? No. Gosh look at that time eh? I probably ought to go and put these things back in their original shelves and get on with my list before Kurt realises there’s no pick‘n’Mix aisle. Right… er… don’t suppose you have a hamster do you?

Didn’t think so. I would offer you the tampons… but I suspect you weren’t er… born this way.

…NO. They don’t work like that. You tilt your head back and pinch the bridge.

Rihanna and I go and pick up her new bedside cabinet from Ikea

doesn't her hair look good

KURT?! KURT! ARE YOU UP YET?

I’M GOING OUT.

WITH RHIANNA

HECK NO MAN, WERE JUST FRIENDS. I CAN DO MUCH BETTER, I’M NOT DESPERATE.

THAT MEANS NOTHING AND I THOUGHT WE AGREED NOT TO MENTION THE JUDY DENCH THING… I MEAN IT WASN’T A THING, IT WAS JUST A MISCALCULATION.

YES OF HOW MUCH CIDER I’D HAD. YOU KNOW IT’S MY ACHILLES HEEL. TWO PINTS OF CIDER AND I’M ANYONE’S

…APART FROM RHIANNA’S, VERY TRUE. ANYWAY RIHANNA’S NEW CABINET’S JUST COME IN AT IKEA AND WE’RE GOING TO PICK IT UP AND… Kurt what the hell is that you’re wearing? 

It’s got a trunk!

I very much doubt yours is that long! Will you please put some trousers on. For one thing you’ll get a cold and I’m not calling the doctor again.

Yeah, I did question his rap it better technique but last time I had a cough I forgot about Dre and it took me ages to get over it. Oh hey something’s vibrating in my trousers.

No, no I gave that back to Angelina. It’s my phone. Hello? Oh hey Rihanna? Outside. Okay I’ll be out in a second. See ya. Right she’s outside. I’ll see ya later. Oh can you take my chicken out of the freezer?

I want to eat it for dinner.

You realise you’re this close to winning worst flatmate of the year.

Yes I suppose by that logic you’re the best as well. Maybe next year I’ll get a dog and then I’ll have someone to compare you against. Right I’m off. See ya. Oh and do last night’s washing up will ya?

Oh. Damn its cold. Where is she? Is that? What the hell? Rihanna? Yeah hi. Erm… what’s this?

I can see it’s a Nissan Micra. What happened to your Ford Transit?

Sting?

I thought he had a tour bus.

He let who drive it?

…He’s only just got out of prison for DUI!

Seriously I don’t care how much he needs a job, I wouldn’t have hired George as my driver. Geez, he wouldn’t have done that back in the Wham days.

Obviously. So you reckon you’ll fit the cabinet in here?

Guess we’ll just have to see then. If not, you’re good with a hacksaw and glue aren’t you?

No no I’m joking. Please… unlock the door.

Well I can’t help you collect it if I’m out here.

But its miles away and its freezing out here. I’d get frostbite before I’d walked 50 metres.

Well that would get me a bit warmer but alas I’m not wearing my running shoes.

Alright I promise I won’t make any more allusions to destroying your brand new Ikea furniture.

Thanks. Wow it’s a lot warmer in here. I was wondering why you were wearing a bikini in this weather, now 

I know… You look…good in a bikini actually.

No I mean it.

No I didn’t bring mine.

Because every time you make me wear it all the other guys look at me weirdly. I’m not sure whether they’re going to beat me up or fantasising about me. I’ll just keep my top on for now. Maybe I’ll put it on when there’s no one around. Did you bring the pink one?

Brilliant.

Right, the wait is over let’s get some tunes on so we can roll the windows down an’ run this town tonight.

Sorry… I thought it was funny.

Kiera probably would have got it.

Where’s your itrip and I’ll put on some music.

Yeah it is.

No you chose the tunes last time.

Yeah, but that was ‘cause your choices sucked. I had to jump in.

They did.

Seriously no one listens to the Killers anymore and Kings of Leon make no sense.

I mean how can sex be on fire?  Sex is an abstract noun. You can’t set fire to an abstract noun. It’s like saying I’m going to shoot this walk in the face.

I’m just saying my choices were better than yours.

What do you mean? He’s had a number one hit every decade… apart from this one I guess. And he makes his own wine apparently… I don’t know how that supports my argument though

Oh come on, No one will admit it but Millennium prayer was a classic! It got to number one so someone must have liked it. I mean me and Sir Roger bought about six thousand copies between us, we thought it was so good.

Well I bought one and he bought five thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine… they were selling them cheap in ASDA.

Yeah I’ve bought your music too… I bought umbrella… well I downloaded it off rapidshare, but… same thing.

Argh! Ow! What’s the matter? Why the emergency stop?

Alright… I

Look.. we

Yes… but

But the music industry….

..brandy snaps…

I would have..

Okay okay… I’m sorry… I’ll never download your music from a disreputable source again. You know… you’re actually quite pretty when you’re angry..

Argh no… YOU’RE PRETTY ALL THE TIME, YOU’RE PRETTY ALL THE TIME, YOU’RE PRETTY ALL THE TIME…please don’t beat me up... no one would believe me.

What?

Oh my cowering in fear is funny is it?

You wana see me watch Alien, I’ll have you in stitches.

No no that’s not an offer I’m not flirting… but… Well I guess I… It could be an offer if y’know, if say you wanted to sometime, not that I’m saying you’d want to of course but the offers there… on the table… so to speak.. as they say… er… c’est la vie

Yeah sorry I’m just talking now for the sake of it now… as you do… when it’s all said and done… at the end of the day… Sooooo you wana come over some time and…

What? Why not?

Better than me?

No obviously you’re not desperate. Hold on what are you saying?

Oh right, yes I see… I didn’t know you and dame Judy spoke.

It was just a miscalculation, oh never mind. Let’s just forget I said anything. We’re here now so lets just pick up your new cabinet.

Oh bugger.

Its raining.

Did you bring an umbrella?

How ironic  

Ryan Reynolds and I go to the gym

This is Ryan... isnt he pretty.

Geez! Seriously Ryan. Who puts a gym on the 8^th floor? And why did we choose to go on the one day when they’re refurbishing the lifts.

You knew?

Well I suppose so. I guess that means there’ll be more free lockers, no more leaving my clothes on the bench and hoping no one nicks em. I usually put my pants on top as an extra deterrant.

Oh yeah, I always change them... no one wants sweaty pants whilst you’re on the treadmill. Mind you with all these stairs they’re going to be soaked before we even get there.

Yeah sure I’ll hold it a sec.

Argh, bloody hell Ryan, what’s in this?

What? You know they supply weights in there right?

Well everything’s metric nowadays.

Yeah but it’s still the same ruddy weight you know!

Ah finally, I can see the top. my legs feel like they've been borrowed by a breakdancer for the day. We’re just working the upper body today right?

Look I don't get to go to the gym very often so I’m entitled to be knackered.

Well it’s all fine and dandy for you Mr movie star, you have a gym membership to get you used to this sort of thing and a masseuse to relax you when its over and a nutritionist to stop you getting fat.

...what does he do?

No I think you're thinking of a personal trainer...

No no they cast out demons, it’s very different to anything you do in a gym.

I'm pretty sure you mean a personal trainer. wow you were right, it really is quiet. even the changing room is quiet.

Yeah I know what you mean. I'm always afraid other guys will think I'm vain as well, but with no one here we can use the mirror to our hearts content.

Oh obviously. No one ever wants to see the before picture. Let’s get changed with our backs to it for now.

Ryan, whoa man! You’re not supposed to get that naked until you hit the showers. Stop showing off. No one wants to see that.

Well yes... I suppose 8.5 out of 10 of Cosmo readers would disagree... and axm readers I suppose.

Really?.. them too? Its changed a lot since I was a kid, I always thought he was just desperate for cow pie.

Come on, what shall we hit first? Cross trainer? or weights?

Ah but you see I really can't stand running. I hate it with a Passion.

All right then. But I'm just sticking it on a slow speed and walking my way to fitness.

Look you can go for the one minute mile if you want but my treadmill stays firmly at 3 hour yard.

seriously how do you get time to get this fit. I always figured you'd be Buried in work...gettit?

no no its a joke... Buried at work!

sigh... Keira would have got it.

Hey Ryan what are you doing? no no I said I wanted to stay at a steady pace.

aah, what do you mean? pant... what's this got to do with… aaah… your being busy... no no 

that's too fast.... whoa! argh! ow

yes yes I get it...very funny, rushed off your feet ha ha. I would be laughing hysterically if I weren't in so much pain.

Alright but no more bad jokes that result in my being incapacitated by gym equipment.

I must warn you I can't really lift much though. I struggle with a weeks worth of Asda carrier bags.

Oh no, no shopping, just the bags.

Well I can't drive and I don't have a wife so that isn't really an option for me.

Really?... well how does she get the shopping home?

Seriously? No wonder you two get into so many superhero movies. I'm beginning to suspect you may actually be superhuman.

what? don't look at me like that. I was joking... oh shit you actually do have superpowers don't you?

sorry, I'll keep it down. go on, lift this... with one hand.

No freakin way! that must've been like 70 stone.

No… I think John candy weighed more, that's more john Goodman. God rest their souls.

Well he may not be, but his career was with the Flintstones.

Ryan...um... can I touch you? I mean, not in a weird way, it’s just that I've never touched a real life superhuman before.

Oh come on its not like I can steal your powers by touching you, that only happens in comic books and movies based on comic books.

Wow its so hard and smooth and ... cold.

Dude... your arms made of metal

Really? Everyone?

What’s keanu made of?

I kind of figured. Evergreen or deciduous?

I see. Well this explains why everyone in Hollywood has perfect abs.

Oh really. Well I never knew you could do that with plasticine.

So what's the point of coming to the gym then?

Really, they hire you? Well I suppose it does give everyone something to aim for.

So going to the gym actually does nothing? Wow I didnt thinks gyms were smart enough to pull off a global conspiracy. Who knew?

Come on then. Let’s stop wasting our time. Let’s go back to the changing room and go check you out in the mirror.

Anthony Hopkins comes for dinner

Anthony eats a little gold man

Right, here we go. Candles, check. Best china, check. Chianti and glasses, check. Posh cloth napkins, check. Sexy music, check... Wait, sexy music? Oh balls, this isn't my Anthony Hopkins dinner list, this is my Dame Judy Dench dinner list. Where's my Anthony Hopkins dinner list? Oi Mr Russell? Have you seen my Anthony Hopkins dinner list?

What do you mean by used it?

Oh Seriously Kurt! Just tell me next time we're running out. Don't "improvise" with my stuff.

No i don't want it back now. A normal person would have flushed it afterwards.

Yes well if Depp jumped off a cliff would you follow him?

Why does that not surprise me? Oh hey did you pay the phone bill?

A hundred and thirty.

Well get it converted to pounds, I don't want to get cut off...Dude what are you doing in your dressing gown? I thought you were going over to Jonny's

Oh really? Lucky guy, she's hot... does Jude know?

Well that could get awkward. Anyway that's not the point, You know I've got Anthony Hopkins coming over tonight don't you.

No you will not. You behaved terribly when we had JayZ over. You knew about his weak bladder and yet you still goaded him into a drinking contest.

Well you're not the one who had to mop it up are you!? Okay just stay in your room and watch a dvd or something.

Then take a packet of crisps up with you. Just don't muck this up, I don't want to upset him... You know in case he gets...er peckish

Now what the hell was on that list? Erm... cheese platter? Yeah I'm sure he likes cheese. Everyone likes cheese, oh hell ,what if he doesn't? No, no, don't be silly he'll love cheese. He'll love the soup, he'll love the tenderloin, he'll love the mini-milks. Everything will be fine.

ARRGH! That'll be him... no, no, keep calm. Nothing is going to spoil this... NO KURT I'VE GOT THE... door *sigh* Never mind. Hello Mr Hopkins. How are you this evening?

Great. Kurt for goodness sakes go and put some clothes on, or boxers at least would be a start. I'm sorry Mr Hopkins he's not been the same since he heard about the remake.

Haha, yes well I suppose everyone is trying to escape New York nowadays.

Oh no, that's very nice of you but I've already got us some Chianti.

4 quid from Aldi

wow...never mind. We'll drink yours then. I didn't know Cliff Richard made wine.

Really, well next time I'm in Spain I'll have to pop in. So if you want to take a seat I'll bring in the starter. You do like soup don't you?

I don't know. Kurt pulls all the labels off and make's eyepatches out of them. I think its chicken or it might be mushroom. It's a bit of a gamble, especially when you have someone who's allergic. I mean last week we had to take JayZ to A&E.

Yeah, puffed up like a melon. Anyway you're not allergic are ya?

Great. Dig in. Do you want any pepper or salt?

Umm... it's definitely chicken. I'm not really a fan of mushrooms to be honest so I'm quite relieved. So how are you Anthony? It's been a while since we last met.

I know, well we have our own washer/dryer now so I don't have to go there anymore. Are you still going?

Really, that's extortionate! I'd never pay that much for powder. Can't you take your own?

Well I suppose that's true but you could pick some up when you go home. You'd need to get something to wear whilst they wash wouldn't you?

Really? They don't mind that? Someone might report you to the police.

Well I suppose if everyone's doing it.

Wow you polished that off quick. Gotta keep eating to keep the urges under control eh?

Nevermind... it was nothing. You'll enjoy the next course its Cava beans and tenderloin.

No not beef

Hah hah or pork

Let's just say it'll keep the urges at bay for a while.

No not chicken... I dont think they have loins to begin with.

Or lamb... come on I know you know, you just don't want to say it

...no its not quail.

I'll give you a clue it's not a bird... or cattle.

No I think venison would count as cattle.

Go on just say it... its fine, we've all seen the film.

What do you mean 'not again'?

Yeah that's it...but don't worry he was already dead. Anaphylactic shock...

Kurt works part time in a morgue.

...But I thought that you liked...

I'm sorry Ant...

But the films.

Kurt said that one of the reasons you did them was to indulge your urges... look I'm sorry.

Just calm down and have some cheese.

But I thought everyone liked cheese. Oh bollocks.

No please Anthony come back...Damn. Well at least he didn't eat me. Hmm, seems a shame to let all this go to waste

Mmm wow the cava beans really bring out the flavour

Sir Roger Moore and I go shoe shopping

Sir Roger Moore with a nice tan

(If you don't know who Roger Moore is I suggest wikipediaing him first or you'll only understand about 36% of the following transcript)

Come on Sir Roger Moore....where are you? Ten minutes late. Bond as never late, can you imagine "I'm here to stop you taking over the world Blofelt... what's that? You've already done it? Bollocks If only i'd run a bit faster, or not done up my shoelaces, Or just held it in til I got here". Seriously, where are you Sir Roger Moore? Oh is that? Hey, Sir Roger Moore!

I thought you weren't going to come! You should've given me a call.

Really? Let me see. Ah I can see what's wrong with it.

Well it turns out your phone is in fact a block of wood with numbers drawn on it.

Well of course it's cheaper, it doesn't bloody work.

Yes but he was in the room with you wasn't he?

I very much doubt it sends texts.

Yes but that would require you to have a pencil on you at all times and an excellent throwing arm.

Anyway why are you so late?

Bus? I thought you drove.

Well I suppose if you're old enough to get one you may as well use it.

No I don't have a bus pass, I'm 25.

Look it's just receding alright. It'll stop in a year or two... I'm sure. Anyway where do you want to go?

Really? Don't you want to try somewhere like Clarks or something?

No, fine. Primark it is. Their shoe selection is somewhat limited though.

So can I call you Roger now? or are you going to insist I keep calling you Sir Roger Moore?

I suppose I could but You realise no one watches the Saint anymore don't you?

Alright, alright... It'll probably get remade at some point nowadays I guess.

What really?

Val Kilmer? But he's nothing like you. I mean he's not even English?

Oh right, yeah obviously they couldn't set a popular British TV series in England that would alienate all the American fans of the original. Well here's Primark.

Hey, Sir Roge... I mean Simon Templar, where are you going? The entrance is over here.

Unless they've moved their entire shoe department to the bins round the back I don't think you're going to find what you're after. Although given the general quality of their footwear I probably wouldn't be surprised if they had.

Okay but if my shoes get wrecked I'm going inside to get new ones. Hup... Eugh, that's disgusting, careful not to tread in that.

I know but the colours clash and it has tassels. No wonder it's in here. Now can we hurry up, the tramps are beginning to stare.

Well I never think any of them ever expected to see James Bond rooting through the bins behind primark.

...Yes... or Simon Templar... What's that you've got there?

Yes I can see it's a small cardboard box but what's it for?

What? But it's made of cardboard! What happens if it rains? Your feet will get soaked!

I suppose you could do that but it would seem a bit ironic.

Well you'd have to change them when they wore through and I'd say putting bin liners in the bin is somewhat ironic.

...I thought it was funny.

Yeah I guess. Well at least with cardboard shoes you can be sure that they weren't made by some poor sweatshop kid in Kathmandu.

Er... No I don't know where the cardboard was made. Seriously though, are you really planning on using those as shoes. I mean you'll look ridiculous.

Well they're obviously going to be cheaper because they're shite. Surely you can afford shoes. I mean you're Roger Moore!

Sorry... Simon Templar.

But you've got loads of money.

What are you saving up for?

Really, Well loads of celebrities go for it nowadays. But you don't look that bad, surely a nip-tuck here and there can't be that expensive.

Reconstructive? Who do you want to look like?

...I should have guessed. But You were Simon Templar... He was a 
fictional character played by you.

Yes but Val Kilmer played him after you.

Yeah! You were the original. Simon Templar looked identical to you!

YES!

Shall we go to Clarks then?

...Leave the boxes.

Keira Knightley pops over

This is a visual aid of Keira Knightley

HI Keira.

Sure come on in and dry off.


Heh. I’ll Bet it wasnt like this when you were filming in the Carribean eh?


Swindon? I honestly thought it was filmed on location

Nah just stick your brolly on the shoe rack... Actually you can put it in the pair of wellies there.

Really? Aren’t they waterproof on the inside too? Aaah it’ll be alright, they’re my flatmates anyway. So do you want a cup of coffee? I mean I don’t really drink the stuff but I’ll make you one if you want.

No I do like it. It just makes me ill.

Well I don’t really want to say.

No.

Seriously Keira I don’t want...

It makes me shit alright. I have IBS and coffee makes me shit... stop it, It’s not funny.

Well I suppose, when you put it like that it is I guess hah. So 


you want a coffee?

Kenco Rapport.

No. That’s all I’ve got I’m afraid. Take a seat I’ll be back in a minute with your coffee. Maybe even a biscuit. Actually probably not a biscuit. Actually definitely no biscuit.

Oh I just don’t have any.

No it’s not an IBS thing I just ate them all. Be right back.

SO DID YOU BRING SOME DVDS TO WATCH?

COOL, WHAT DID YOU BRING?

Bollocks

OH NO I DIDNT SAY ANYTHING, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE JONNY AND ORLANDO. AND THAT GUY WHO WAS IN THE OFFICE IS PRETTY FUNNY.

YEAH THAT’S HIS NAME, ITS JUST THAT er... I’M NOT REALLY IN THE MOOD FOR A PIRATE FILM.

YEAH I GUESS YOU’LL HAVE TO PUT THOSE TWO IN THE NO PILE AS WELL THEN. DO YOU TAKE MILK AND SUGAR?

SERIOUSLY?  YOU WONT KEEP YOUR TEETH LOOKING LIKE THAT IF YOU CARRY ON LIKE THAT

REALLY? CAN I HAVE A LOOK AT THEM? Here you go, careful its hot. Wow, you’d think they were real even from here.

But don’t they die if you take the tusks out?

Oh right. I’ve never heard of a sustainable herd before but if AL Gore says its okay then it must be. So what else did you bring?

Ah right, yeah, no we could watch that I suppose... but er... I’ve already seen it.

No no I thought it was... good. I thought they handled the ATONEal shifts quite well.

Atone-al? Atonement? Tonal? Come on I’ve been working on that one all day.

Hah! Yeah I suppose so.

No no I thought it was definitely a...film of ...filmic proportions and you were definitely... er acting. There was definitely some acting from you there... in that film. Yeah, you and all the actors... acting..

Well no... but I’m sure the academy had their reasons.

My favourite? well my favourite bit was er...the bit where er... the bee... stung Ian McKellen?

Really? Wasn’t he? I’m pretty sure he was.

No, I think you’ll find he was. I don’t know what film you’re thinking of but he was definitely there.

Well you were off your face on Prozac most of the shoot though weren’t you

Dont blame me, It’s not my fault he’s dead.

Oh come on, how was I to know. What sane person puts the slug pellets next to the Iams

Oh please don’t, no I’m sorry... Wait don’t use the cushion, have a tissue. Come one cheer up.

Look I said I was sorry.  What can I do to cheer you up?

...alright... we’ll watch it. If that’ll make it up to you I guess we’ll do that then. Right, where’s the remote? Oh for goodness sake. He’s always leaving his dvd’s in the player. Okay here we..

Hey what are you grinning about?...oh I see, very clever. That’s hilarious of you, It’s a pity the academy didn’t see that performance eh? Now quit hogging all the cushions and pass me one.