Lady Gaga and I go shopping

the Popular songstress in her offal outfit

For Goodness sake Kurt, give me back my wallet.

Because I was planning on using it to pay for the miscellany of goods we’ve amassed in this trolley. Unless of course you’re planning on paying.

Yeah I thought not.

That’s hardly makes us even, last time we only needed a pack of bogroll and some chocolate Hobnobs. Not really enough to put a dent in the balance of a movie star is it? Whereas I’ve got to pay for a weeks worth of shopping.

You say that but I’m not convinced we need all of this. Bread, sure. Eggs, fine. Hell I’m even okay with the Royal Wedding collectors toast rack but Hamster food?...  Battlefield Earth on DVD?... tampons?!

NO Kurt you can’t use them for that, the bleeding stops on its own if you tilt your head back and pinch at the bridge.

and no you’re not getting a hamster, it’ll only die after a week and you’ll mope around the house and use it as an excuse not to make any movies that year.

Look, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to be that harsh. Tell you what, how about we get some pick and mix? I’ll let you choose?

Right well, you do that and I’ll finish the rest of the list.

Kurt.

Wallet.

Thankyou.

…he really needs to get a job. Right while he’s not looking lets offload some of this crap… *sigh* I don’t have time to put this back on the appropriate aisles… Supermarket Gods forgive me for what I’m about to do.

Argh… Iwasn’thidingtamponsbehindthebakedbeans! Wait, hold on. You don’t work here… lady Gaga! Sorry I didn’t realise it was you. I didn’t recognise you in your moleskin leotard.

Really?  Oh my mistake…I thought it was mole.

No I didn’t realise George Clooney had that much back hair.

So…er how you doing?

Good good. I’m doing alright thanks. Just doing the weeks shopping and avoiding Kurt Russell.

Yeah he’s in a bad mood again cuz I won’t let him get a hamster.

That’s exactly what I said. And who’s going to be the one picking up the pieces eh? Me. So what are you doing all the way out here anyway? I thought you were never going to leave Ipswich ever again. Let the tours come to you.

Well I didn’t think it would work to be honest. So why come here? Do they not have Tesco’s in Ipswich?

Shouldn’t you be looking in London or Paris or Milan for that?

Well I suppose it is different.

I always supposed they were made by top couture designers.

And the meat dress?

Local butcher obviously. So what are you thinking of today?

Erm… yeah that’s interesting but how would you get it to attach to your body and stay on?

You’ve not thought this through have you.

And if you get wet it’ll just dissolve and you’ll be standing in the world’s biggest Gaga Latte.

No I don’t suppose the chances of it raining milk are very high but its still not a great idea. Hey You could use teabags.

Would that be a problem? Do you regularly get accused of that?

I don’t know what that is?

No seriously. I’ve never heard of teabagging.

Uh-huh

What?

Just dangling?

Eugh! That’s disgusting!

How could anyone get any pleasure out of that?!

NO! That was a rhetorical question. So… anyway what could you use instead?

That could work. I’d go with Edam myself. We could just cover you in it and then stick you under the grill and it would kind of melt onto you. Or we could use that stuff they put in burgers. Plastic cheese.

Yeah. Or maybe mozzarella

Or Gorganzola.

Yeah. Or maybe even cottage cheese. That could work. It’s kind of malleable as cheeses go. Mmm cottage cheese.

Accused of what?

I’ve not heard of that term either.

Yeah two men..

Toilets?

Oh so that’s what George Michael was talking about. How do you know so much about all these terms?

Well I'd never heard of them so they can’t be that common.

I’m not accusing you of anything. I mean what could I possible accuse you… oh.

No nothing.

Nope absolutely nothing…

Blusing?  me? No. Gosh look at that time eh? I probably ought to go and put these things back in their original shelves and get on with my list before Kurt realises there’s no pick‘n’Mix aisle. Right… er… don’t suppose you have a hamster do you?

Didn’t think so. I would offer you the tampons… but I suspect you weren’t er… born this way.

…NO. They don’t work like that. You tilt your head back and pinch the bridge.