welcome wanderer

Have you ever bumped into a celebrity and not been sure what to say to them? Were you then left with an awkward silence, leaving you with that sinking feeling that even though you hold them in the greatest regard they will now never be your best friend on account of their thinking you're a tongue tied moron? Or have you ever wondered what it would be like to spend some time in the company of one of your idols but just dont have the imaginative capacity to pull off that kind of fantasy?
Well then this blog is for you. Luckily for you in my mind I'm friends with a huge number of celebrites (I'm even living with Kurt Russel as the wife chucked him out for hiding a months worth of washing up in the tumble dryer) and I will catalogue some of our more interesting conversations here on this blog.
Who know's you may learn something about your heroes that you never knew before.

Disclaimer: All of this is of course complete band utter tosh and if youre considering taking me to court over this you've completely missed the point and are just making yourself look stupid. All you need do is phone my flat and you'll notice Kurt Russell doesn't pick up the phone

Saturday 11 September 2010

Anthony Hopkins comes for dinner


Anthony eats a little gold man
Right, here we go. Candles, check. Best china, check. Chianti and glasses, check. Posh cloth napkins, check. Sexy music, check... Wait, sexy music? Oh balls, this isn't my Anthony Hopkins dinner list, this is my Dame Judy Dench dinner list. Where's my Anthony Hopkins dinner list? Oi Mr Russell? Have you seen my Anthony Hopkins dinner list?

What do you mean by used it?

Oh Seriously Kurt! Just tell me next time we're running out. Don't "improvise" with my stuff.

No i don't want it back now. A normal person would have flushed it afterwards.

Yes well if Depp jumped off a cliff would you follow him?

Why does that not surprise me? Oh hey did you pay the phone bill?

A hundred and thirty.

Well get it converted to pounds, I don't want to get cut off...Dude what are you doing in your dressing gown? I thought you were going over to Jonny's

Oh really? Lucky guy, she's hot... does Jude know?

Well that could get awkward. Anyway that's not the point, You know I've got Anthony Hopkins coming over tonight don't you.

No you will not. You behaved terribly when we had JayZ over. You knew about his weak bladder and yet you still goaded him into a drinking contest.

Well you're not the one who had to mop it up are you!? Okay just stay in your room and watch a dvd or something.

Then take a packet of crisps up with you. Just don't muck this up, I don't want to upset him... You know in case he gets...er peckish

Now what the hell was on that list? Erm... cheese platter? Yeah I'm sure he likes cheese. Everyone likes cheese, oh hell ,what if he doesn't? No, no, don't be silly he'll love cheese. He'll love the soup, he'll love the tenderloin, he'll love the mini-milks. Everything will be fine.

ARRGH! That'll be him... no, no, keep calm. Nothing is going to spoil this... NO KURT I'VE GOT THE... door *sigh* Never mind. Hello Mr Hopkins. How are you this evening?

Great. Kurt for goodness sakes go and put some clothes on, or boxers at least would be a start. I'm sorry Mr Hopkins he's not been the same since he heard about the remake.

Haha, yes well I suppose everyone is trying to escape New York nowadays.

Oh no, that's very nice of you but I've already got us some Chianti.

4 quid from Aldi

wow...never mind. We'll drink yours then. I didn't know Cliff Richard made wine.

Really, well next time I'm in Spain I'll have to pop in. So if you want to take a seat I'll bring in the starter. You do like soup don't you?

I don't know. Kurt pulls all the labels off and make's eyepatches out of them. I think its chicken or it might be mushroom. It's a bit of a gamble, especially when you have someone who's allergic. I mean last week we had to take JayZ to A&E.

Yeah, puffed up like a melon. Anyway you're not allergic are ya?

Great. Dig in. Do you want any pepper or salt?

Umm... it's definitely chicken. I'm not really a fan of mushrooms to be honest so I'm quite relieved. So how are you Anthony? It's been a while since we last met.

I know, well we have our own washer/dryer now so I don't have to go there anymore. Are you still going?

Really, that's extortionate! I'd never pay that much for powder. Can't you take your own?

Well I suppose that's true but you could pick some up when you go home. You'd need to get something to wear whilst they wash wouldn't you?

Really? They don't mind that? Someone might report you to the police.

Well I suppose if everyone's doing it.

Wow you polished that off quick. Gotta keep eating to keep the urges under control eh?

Nevermind... it was nothing. You'll enjoy the next course its Cava beans and tenderloin.
No not beef

Hah hah or pork

Let's just say it'll keep the urges at bay for a while.

No not chicken... I dont think they have loins to begin with.

Or lamb... come on I know you know, you just don't want to say it

...no its not quail.

I'll give you a clue it's not a bird... or cattle.

No I think venison would count as cattle.

Go on just say it... its fine, we've all seen the film.

What do you mean 'not again'?

Yeah that's it...but don't worry he was already dead. Anaphylactic shock...

Kurt works part time in a morgue.

...But I thought that you liked...

I'm sorry Ant...

But the films.

Kurt said that one of the reasons you did them was to indulge your urges... look I'm sorry.
Just calm down and have some cheese.

But I thought everyone liked cheese. Oh bollocks.

No please Anthony come back...Damn. Well at least he didn't eat me. Hmm, seems a shame to let all this go to waste

Mmm wow the cava beans really bring out the flavour

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