Rihanna and I go and pick up her new bedside cabinet from Ikea

doesn't her hair look good

KURT?! KURT! ARE YOU UP YET?

I’M GOING OUT.

WITH RHIANNA

HECK NO MAN, WERE JUST FRIENDS. I CAN DO MUCH BETTER, I’M NOT DESPERATE.

THAT MEANS NOTHING AND I THOUGHT WE AGREED NOT TO MENTION THE JUDY DENCH THING… I MEAN IT WASN’T A THING, IT WAS JUST A MISCALCULATION.

YES OF HOW MUCH CIDER I’D HAD. YOU KNOW IT’S MY ACHILLES HEEL. TWO PINTS OF CIDER AND I’M ANYONE’S

…APART FROM RHIANNA’S, VERY TRUE. ANYWAY RIHANNA’S NEW CABINET’S JUST COME IN AT IKEA AND WE’RE GOING TO PICK IT UP AND… Kurt what the hell is that you’re wearing? 

It’s got a trunk!

I very much doubt yours is that long! Will you please put some trousers on. For one thing you’ll get a cold and I’m not calling the doctor again.

Yeah, I did question his rap it better technique but last time I had a cough I forgot about Dre and it took me ages to get over it. Oh hey something’s vibrating in my trousers.

No, no I gave that back to Angelina. It’s my phone. Hello? Oh hey Rihanna? Outside. Okay I’ll be out in a second. See ya. Right she’s outside. I’ll see ya later. Oh can you take my chicken out of the freezer?

I want to eat it for dinner.

You realise you’re this close to winning worst flatmate of the year.

Yes I suppose by that logic you’re the best as well. Maybe next year I’ll get a dog and then I’ll have someone to compare you against. Right I’m off. See ya. Oh and do last night’s washing up will ya?

Oh. Damn its cold. Where is she? Is that? What the hell? Rihanna? Yeah hi. Erm… what’s this?

I can see it’s a Nissan Micra. What happened to your Ford Transit?

Sting?

I thought he had a tour bus.

He let who drive it?

…He’s only just got out of prison for DUI!

Seriously I don’t care how much he needs a job, I wouldn’t have hired George as my driver. Geez, he wouldn’t have done that back in the Wham days.

Obviously. So you reckon you’ll fit the cabinet in here?

Guess we’ll just have to see then. If not, you’re good with a hacksaw and glue aren’t you?

No no I’m joking. Please… unlock the door.

Well I can’t help you collect it if I’m out here.

But its miles away and its freezing out here. I’d get frostbite before I’d walked 50 metres.

Well that would get me a bit warmer but alas I’m not wearing my running shoes.

Alright I promise I won’t make any more allusions to destroying your brand new Ikea furniture.

Thanks. Wow it’s a lot warmer in here. I was wondering why you were wearing a bikini in this weather, now 

I know… You look…good in a bikini actually.

No I mean it.

No I didn’t bring mine.

Because every time you make me wear it all the other guys look at me weirdly. I’m not sure whether they’re going to beat me up or fantasising about me. I’ll just keep my top on for now. Maybe I’ll put it on when there’s no one around. Did you bring the pink one?

Brilliant.

Right, the wait is over let’s get some tunes on so we can roll the windows down an’ run this town tonight.

Sorry… I thought it was funny.

Kiera probably would have got it.

Where’s your itrip and I’ll put on some music.

Yeah it is.

No you chose the tunes last time.

Yeah, but that was ‘cause your choices sucked. I had to jump in.

They did.

Seriously no one listens to the Killers anymore and Kings of Leon make no sense.

I mean how can sex be on fire?  Sex is an abstract noun. You can’t set fire to an abstract noun. It’s like saying I’m going to shoot this walk in the face.

I’m just saying my choices were better than yours.

What do you mean? He’s had a number one hit every decade… apart from this one I guess. And he makes his own wine apparently… I don’t know how that supports my argument though

Oh come on, No one will admit it but Millennium prayer was a classic! It got to number one so someone must have liked it. I mean me and Sir Roger bought about six thousand copies between us, we thought it was so good.

Well I bought one and he bought five thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine… they were selling them cheap in ASDA.

Yeah I’ve bought your music too… I bought umbrella… well I downloaded it off rapidshare, but… same thing.

Argh! Ow! What’s the matter? Why the emergency stop?

Alright… I

Look.. we

Yes… but

But the music industry….

..brandy snaps…

I would have..

Okay okay… I’m sorry… I’ll never download your music from a disreputable source again. You know… you’re actually quite pretty when you’re angry..

Argh no… YOU’RE PRETTY ALL THE TIME, YOU’RE PRETTY ALL THE TIME, YOU’RE PRETTY ALL THE TIME…please don’t beat me up... no one would believe me.

What?

Oh my cowering in fear is funny is it?

You wana see me watch Alien, I’ll have you in stitches.

No no that’s not an offer I’m not flirting… but… Well I guess I… It could be an offer if y’know, if say you wanted to sometime, not that I’m saying you’d want to of course but the offers there… on the table… so to speak.. as they say… er… c’est la vie

Yeah sorry I’m just talking now for the sake of it now… as you do… when it’s all said and done… at the end of the day… Sooooo you wana come over some time and…

What? Why not?

Better than me?

No obviously you’re not desperate. Hold on what are you saying?

Oh right, yes I see… I didn’t know you and dame Judy spoke.

It was just a miscalculation, oh never mind. Let’s just forget I said anything. We’re here now so lets just pick up your new cabinet.

Oh bugger.

Its raining.

Did you bring an umbrella?

How ironic  

Ryan Reynolds and I go to the gym

This is Ryan... isnt he pretty.

Geez! Seriously Ryan. Who puts a gym on the 8^th floor? And why did we choose to go on the one day when they’re refurbishing the lifts.

You knew?

Well I suppose so. I guess that means there’ll be more free lockers, no more leaving my clothes on the bench and hoping no one nicks em. I usually put my pants on top as an extra deterrant.

Oh yeah, I always change them... no one wants sweaty pants whilst you’re on the treadmill. Mind you with all these stairs they’re going to be soaked before we even get there.

Yeah sure I’ll hold it a sec.

Argh, bloody hell Ryan, what’s in this?

What? You know they supply weights in there right?

Well everything’s metric nowadays.

Yeah but it’s still the same ruddy weight you know!

Ah finally, I can see the top. my legs feel like they've been borrowed by a breakdancer for the day. We’re just working the upper body today right?

Look I don't get to go to the gym very often so I’m entitled to be knackered.

Well it’s all fine and dandy for you Mr movie star, you have a gym membership to get you used to this sort of thing and a masseuse to relax you when its over and a nutritionist to stop you getting fat.

...what does he do?

No I think you're thinking of a personal trainer...

No no they cast out demons, it’s very different to anything you do in a gym.

I'm pretty sure you mean a personal trainer. wow you were right, it really is quiet. even the changing room is quiet.

Yeah I know what you mean. I'm always afraid other guys will think I'm vain as well, but with no one here we can use the mirror to our hearts content.

Oh obviously. No one ever wants to see the before picture. Let’s get changed with our backs to it for now.

Ryan, whoa man! You’re not supposed to get that naked until you hit the showers. Stop showing off. No one wants to see that.

Well yes... I suppose 8.5 out of 10 of Cosmo readers would disagree... and axm readers I suppose.

Really?.. them too? Its changed a lot since I was a kid, I always thought he was just desperate for cow pie.

Come on, what shall we hit first? Cross trainer? or weights?

Ah but you see I really can't stand running. I hate it with a Passion.

All right then. But I'm just sticking it on a slow speed and walking my way to fitness.

Look you can go for the one minute mile if you want but my treadmill stays firmly at 3 hour yard.

seriously how do you get time to get this fit. I always figured you'd be Buried in work...gettit?

no no its a joke... Buried at work!

sigh... Keira would have got it.

Hey Ryan what are you doing? no no I said I wanted to stay at a steady pace.

aah, what do you mean? pant... what's this got to do with… aaah… your being busy... no no 

that's too fast.... whoa! argh! ow

yes yes I get it...very funny, rushed off your feet ha ha. I would be laughing hysterically if I weren't in so much pain.

Alright but no more bad jokes that result in my being incapacitated by gym equipment.

I must warn you I can't really lift much though. I struggle with a weeks worth of Asda carrier bags.

Oh no, no shopping, just the bags.

Well I can't drive and I don't have a wife so that isn't really an option for me.

Really?... well how does she get the shopping home?

Seriously? No wonder you two get into so many superhero movies. I'm beginning to suspect you may actually be superhuman.

what? don't look at me like that. I was joking... oh shit you actually do have superpowers don't you?

sorry, I'll keep it down. go on, lift this... with one hand.

No freakin way! that must've been like 70 stone.

No… I think John candy weighed more, that's more john Goodman. God rest their souls.

Well he may not be, but his career was with the Flintstones.

Ryan...um... can I touch you? I mean, not in a weird way, it’s just that I've never touched a real life superhuman before.

Oh come on its not like I can steal your powers by touching you, that only happens in comic books and movies based on comic books.

Wow its so hard and smooth and ... cold.

Dude... your arms made of metal

Really? Everyone?

What’s keanu made of?

I kind of figured. Evergreen or deciduous?

I see. Well this explains why everyone in Hollywood has perfect abs.

Oh really. Well I never knew you could do that with plasticine.

So what's the point of coming to the gym then?

Really, they hire you? Well I suppose it does give everyone something to aim for.

So going to the gym actually does nothing? Wow I didnt thinks gyms were smart enough to pull off a global conspiracy. Who knew?

Come on then. Let’s stop wasting our time. Let’s go back to the changing room and go check you out in the mirror.